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~ One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.
~ The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.
~ It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.
~ What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.
~ Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
~ What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.
~ Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.
~My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.
~What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.
~ It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
~ I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.